Some Jerk With A Camera- The Country Bears
(Preface) (We open at Disneyland by the entrance for the “Country Bear Jamboree,” Some Jerk with a Camera jumps into frame) Some Jerk With A Camera: (To his phone) Star Command, I’m detecting increasing levels of sappiness…(The post us) Oh, greetings, everyone! My name is Some Jerk With A Camera, and welcome to “Some Jerk With A Camera,” where I review the attractions and paraphernalia of Disneyland and sometimes other theme parks on location from those parks themselves. I am thrilled and honored beyond words to be part of the newest members of the (Unsure) “Channel glasses that awesome with a guy thing” family! I’m currently hard at work on a brand-new batch of episodes, which will premiere in 2015. But, in the meantime, I’d show you my backlog! (Cricket noise is heard) Good question, crickets. What you’re about to see is my very first episode I ever did, first uploaded on February 3, 2011. It pretty much speaks for itself, enjoy! (Turns around to see a statue of a bear) AHH, a bear! (Cut to the original review from 2011, Jerk is next to a painting of the Disney Castle.) Jerk: To all who come to this happy place, welcome! I’m Some Jerk With A Camera. (Cut to the title for the show in front of a picture of Disney Castle.) Jerk (v/o): Disneyland, USA. (Cut to various shots of the Park.) Who doesn’t love this place? It’s a home away from home for kids of all ages, a passport to worlds unknown, a tent pole of the American zeitgeist, a place I’d like to point towards when they bury my carcass, a joyous celebratory land of… (Cut to Jerk holding a bottle of orange juice.) Jerk: (Yells) $4.29 FOR AN ORANGE JUICE!?! YOU BUNCH OF FU… (Cut to Jerk driving in his car.) Yes, you can’t really love something unless you’re willing to mock it for all it’s worth! Ha, just look at your children. And that’s why this show is devoted to the joys and frustrations, the trials and tribulations of the attractions and paraphernalia-tations of the second happiest place on Harbor Boulevard. (Beat) Next to that Swedish massage parlor down the street. (He then snaps his fingers and teleports back to Disneyland) God, that hurts! For my very first episode (We hear a car his crash in the background), I’d like to review a peculiar piece of park paraphernalia, the very first movie ever based on a Disney theme park attraction. (The Pirates of the Caribbean theme plays in the background) It’s the story of a lowly band of rogues, outcast from society! Desperate creatures forced to scrounge for whatever they can while constantly at each other’s necks! It’s the story of their quest for redemption and their rise to power! I refer, of course, to: “The Country Bears!” (Cut to a clip from the animated series, “The Critic”) Animatronic Bears: (Singing) We’re the Bears who sing for Duke! Do da, do da! (Cut back to Jerk who looks confused.) Jerk: Wha… Jerk (v/o): Yes, before the Pirates movie, there was “The Country Bears” movie, based on “Country Bear Jamboree.” (We then see footage of the theme park’s show) If you’ve never seen “Country Bear Jamboree,” it’s…pretty much what you see in your head when you hear the words “Country Bear Jamboree.” What a strange choice for their first movie. Now granted, these guys inspired the revered “Chuck-E-Cheese House Band,” like “The Beatles” inspired “Oasis.” And granted, we’ve all heard of the “Country Bear Jamboree.” (Cut to a clip from “The Simpsons.”) Homer Simpson: It’s like a freaking “Country Bear Jamberoo” around here! Jerk (v/o): But does anyone actually like it? Was anyone actually begging for this to be adapted to the silver screen? This is corny! Cornier than corn itself! If the entire state of Iowa ate nothing but corn for a year, you know, for a change, their sewers still wouldn’t be half as corny as this shit! (Cut to one of the bears of the show, Henry.) Henry Dixon Taylor: Yes, folks, we only have high-class stuff on this show! Jerk (v/o): I mean, if you’re like me, the only reason you’ve seen it so much is because the line for Splash Mountain was too damn long and, just for the love of God, wanted some air-conditioning! Jerk: Well, movie theaters have air-conditioning, too, so why not! (Tries to smile) Here’s why not. (The movie starts) Jerk (v/o): So the movie starts off with footage of… (Sees the movie version of Ted Bedderhead and Jerk gets scared.) AHH! (Jerk looks scared, feels his heart.) Jerk: Oh, oh, movie, you gave me quite a scare there. Okay, very funny. Now let's see the real bears. You know, the cute Disney bears that can emote and carry a story. (Cut to the move version of Zeb Zoober and Tennessee O’Neal.) Really? You’re actually kinda trying to make them look like real bears that eat campers and shit them out into the woods? (Looks a little worried) Okay, let’s assume for a minute or 90 that I’m buying into your contention that bears sing country music. Why would you want to make them want to look real? (Cut back to the intro of the bears) Jerk (v/o): You’re never going to quite succeed, you’re only going to make them just real enough to look totally fake and a little scary for little kids. Look at those sharp teeth, those tiny dead eyes, there ain’t no soul in there. This one (Ted Bedderhead) looks more like a buffalo. (Cut to footage of the Muppet Show) I mean, look at Fozzie. You never believe he’s a real bear, but you always believe that he’s a character. * Although, the bear suits for the film were made by the Jim Henson Creature Shop. Jerk (V/o): And remember those cute, cuddly bears from the jamboree? THEY GOT VICIOUSLY MAULED BY THESE INEXPRESSIVE, INFLEXIBLE, GODLESS KILLING MACHINES! (Cut to “A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Christmas Gift of All,” Stephen Colbert opens the door to go outside his log cabin set to see an obvious green screened bear footage, Colbert looks at the camera and screams. Cut back to the movie) This footage (The intro of the bears) is being watched by…(sighs) You know what! Jerk: Screw this, I’m gonna go ride Splash Mountain. (Walks off camera, returns a few seconds later) The line for Splash Mountain is two miles long, so… (Cut back to the film where the main protagonist is watching the Country Bears video in his bedroom.) Jerk (v/o): This little bear cub, I shit you not, is named Beary Barrington. (Cut back to Jerk at Disneyland with Donald Duck) Jerk: Joining such classic characters as “Ducky Duckingham,” (cut to Jerk with Mickey Mouse) “Micey Mousenblack,” (Cut to Jerk with Goofy) and “Zippo, the Clown-Faced jerkwad!” Jerk (v/o): Beary is voiced by the Oscar-nominated Haley Joel Osment, (Cut to clips of AI) who looked less artificial in AI. Fuck, Teddy looked less artificial than “Beary the Bear Bearing Bear!” (Cut to Jerk by some wooden statues of bears at Disneyland) Jerk: Maybe they should have done these bears in CGI. I mean, that'd look better than…. (Cut to the poster for the 2010 Yogi Bear movie showing Yogi and Boo-Boo. Jerk is surprised by it) Jerk (v/o): GOD! (To self) No, it wouldn’t. No, it wouldn’t. Get it off the screen! (Cut back to Jerk, trying to defend himself by making his index fingers into a cross. He then takes them down and looks to his left to someone off-screen, worried.) Jerk: How far am I into this? Off screen person: (Shouts) 4 MINUTES! Jerk: (Looks back at the camera, trying to hold his composure) Great. (Cut back to Beary watching the Country Bears band video) Jerk (v/o): So, what other talent did they drag into this trainwreck? (Beary’s video cuts to an interview with Willie Nelson) Willie Nelson: I’ve learned a lot from those guys and…. Jerk (v/o): No, no, no, not Willie! Jerk: Willie, how many times do we have to tell you: “You have to pay taxes every year!” You know, it won’t always be Disney bailing you out, pal. Someday, it might be Jessica Simpson! (Cut to Beary eating breakfast with his family are humans) Beary: Mom, am I adopted? Mrs. Barrington: (Laughs to hide the fact it’s true.) Of course not, honey! (Cut back to Jerk in the Toontown section of DL) Jerk: (as Mrs. Barrington) Your father just has hairy sperm, it skips a generation. (Beat) And it tickles like the dickens. (Cut back to the film) Jerk (v/o): So, Beary’s brother (Dex) explains the horrible truth. Dex: (Shows Beary a GPS collar and a device to track the collar) The Rangers used this to track you. They (their parents) brought you home, they showed you a bunch of Barney (The Dinosaur) videos, and they pretended you were their son. (Cut to Jerk in front of a picture of Rex from Toy Story) Jerk: Oh, come on, a talking dinosaur? Pfft, that’s just stupid. Jerk (v/o): So, Beary does the only sensible thing: run away from home, board a Greyhound (bus), and head to the Country Bears’ old stomping grounds, Country Bear Hall; a genuine rustic log cabin made of Earth and wood! I mean, just look at this real tree in the same shot. They’re totally the same color! But the place is about to get demolished thanks to a greedy banker, played by Christopher Walken. Reed Thimple (Walken): (To Henry Dixon Taylor, former manager of the Band) $20,000 must be tough. You had a good run, Henry, but… (Cut to Jerk) Jerk: That poor, diluted soul (Walken). He thinks he’s in a movie. (Cut to Beary talking to Big Al, the caretaker of Country Bear Hall) Big Al: They’re gonna tear down Country Bear Hall. Beary: (Shocked) Tear down Country Bear Hall?! (Cut to Jerk on an elevator ride, possibly "the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror," we see the green lights turn off with some red lights) Jerk: Oh, no, it’s the irony alarm. Stay calm, kids, I’ll try to explain. Jerk (v/o): Now, the original Disney World version Country BJ is still open for business down in Florida. But, to make way for a Winnie the Pooh ride, the Disneyland version was in fact torn down in 2001, 10 months before this movie came out! (We see a caption that says: “CBJ closed: September 2001, CB movie opened: July 2002”) That’s right, folks, Disney made a movie about trying to save Country Bear Hall, while tearing down Country Bear Hall! Jerk: (Sarcastically) That ingenious corporate synergy! (Then talks like an announcer) Hey, kids, you like this bulldozed pile of rubble on the ground? Well, then you’ll love this bulldozed pile of rubble of a movie! (Normal) In fact, that gives me a great idea for how Disney can promote the next “Pirates” flick! (Poster for “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” is shown.) Close down the ride on both coasts, replace them an Arby’s, buy back every DVD and Blu-ray of the first three movies and burn them all on a huge bonfire on top of the Haunted Mansion. That will make the fans love ya! Jerk (v/o): Oh, look, Beary is crossing the replica of the bridge at Disneyland that doesn’t quite lead to Country Bear Hall anymore! (Cut to “The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh” ride entrance) It literally makes no sense! The only reason to ever tear down an attraction is because no one’s attracted to it, and if no one’s attracted to it, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME WOULD ATTRACT THEM TO THE MOVIE?! (Cut to Jerk throwing the DVD case into the air from beneath the frame and then catches it) Jerk: This movie, literally, has no right to exist. It shouldn’t exist, it can’t exist, and yet it does! (Looks at the DVD case) Or does it? (Old sci-fi music plays as the screen turns from green to yellow to purple. A shot of the DVD is shown right-side up, then upside down, then upside down and mirrored. Then Jerk is shown with the white filter turned up, then back to normal as the DVD case hits him in the head.) Ow! (Cut back to the film) Henry: (Giving Beary a tour of the hall) I tell you, lot of great music was on that stage. There’s Flatt and Scruggs, “Living Lips” McGraw, Coma, Jimmy Hendrix opened here for Vanilla Fudge! Jerk: (As Henry) And after he died, I ate him! He tasted terrible, almost choked on my vomit. Beary: I belong here helping you save this place! Henry: Nah. Beary: And we can do it with a concert to raise the money! Henry: (Nonchalantly) No, no. Beary: (Excited) WE CAN GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER! Henry: (Surprised) GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER? Beary: Uh-huh. Henry: Get the...get the…. Jerk (v/o): So because that doesn’t rip-off any movie they can think of, they get the old tour bus out of storage along with a roadie named…Roadie? Henry: Beary, meet Roadie! Roadie: Have you seen my chicken? (Cut to Jerk in a candy store) Jerk: So for those following at home: this movie has a bear named Beary Bearrington, a roadie named Roadie, and a chicken named Mr. Chicken. It’s economical to hire children to write your children’s movies, because you just pay them in candy! (Holds up some big spiral lollipops with Disney characters on the wrappers) (Cut to the film as Big Al watches the tour bus leave) Jerk (V/O): Okay, now watch the greatest reaction shot in the history of cinema! (The wooden garage the tour bus was in falls down. Big Al's eyes and mouth widen a little.) Spectacular! (Cut to Jerk wearing a red cap, playing the director) Jerk/director: Okay, people, we’re losing our light. Can we get one take where his head moves and his eyes widen at the same time, please? (Clearly, no one is enthusiastic about this movie) It just helps the illusion that it’s spontaneous. You know, Disney magic and all that. (Tries to be strong) Are we ready? Good. Okay, take 56, cue the bird song, and action! (Same scene plays, then cut back to director Jerk, depressed) Cut, I knew I should’ve directed “Snow Dogs.” Jerk (v/o): Meanwhile, Beary’s parents have called the cops to look for their son, played by the black guy from “Galaxy Quest” (Daryl Mitchell) and a white guy from “Office Space” (Diedrich Bader). (Mrs. Barrington offers the cops a tray of baked goods) Mrs. Barrington: When I’m upset, I bake. (Cries) Please help yourself! (They do, if only to stop her from crying. Cut to Jerk eating a cookie) Jerk: Mmmm, you can really taste the despair! Officer Hamm (Mitchell): Does he have any distinguishing marks? Dex: Pfft, yeah! He’s got thick brown hair. (beat) ALL OVER HIS BODY! Officer Cheets (Bader): (Handed a framed photo of Beary) He looks like a fourth grader? Mrs. Bearington (Sobbing) That’s right. (Dex feels like everyone is crazy) Dex: Okay, you know what, I’m gonna go to my room now and I’m gonna stay there until I’m 18! (Cut to Jerk next to a “It’s A Small World” plush toy) Jerk: (Confused) Okay, I’m really trying here, but if you’re gonna stick to the premise that talking bears are normal, you can’t have one kid who says they’re not normal! That just makes that kid crazy. (beat) And kind of racist if you think of it. Jerk (v/o): That’s right, this kid is a crazy racist, and they don’t even treat him like a villain, they treat him like a voice for the audience! Jerk: (Wonders) Wait a minute, does that make me a crazy racist? No, no, no, of course not! I have plenty of bear friends, just watch. (Cut to Jerk between Disneyland characters of Kenai and Koda from “Brother Bear.” They wave at the camera, but Jerk looks scared. He then whispers to the camera.) Help me! Jerk (v/o) So the bears track down their harmonica player (Fred Bedderhead), working on the video shoot of a young pop starlet. Pop Starlet: (exited after seeing his harmonica) You’re Fred Bedderhead?!?! Fred from “The Country Bears?!?!” (Hands back his harmonica) You should play with us! Jerk: Hey, look, it’s Mandy Moore! (A wrong buzzer sound is heard) Miley Cyrus! (Buzzer sound is heard again) Ashley Simpson! (Buzzer sound) Vanessa Hudgens! (Buzzer sound) Demi Lovato! (Buzzer sound) Kylie Minogue! (Buzzer sound, then sounds less sure) Nelly Furtado? (Buzzer sound) Shania Twain? (Buzzer sound, no less sure) Bristol Palin? (Buzzer sound, his smile fades) Um..? (A caption of her name is shown) Oh, Krystal Marie Harris! I was…I was gonna know it. (Then we cut to some of her scenes in the film to her song for the film “The Kid in You.”) Jerk (v/o): I’m sure she’s a nice person, but they treat her like some big time celebrity cameo. Has anyone ever heard of her? Has she ever heard of herself? Did she just wander on set after Mandy Moore canceled and the producers just said: “Hey, you’re white, you’ll do.” What’s she doing now, polishing Miley Cyrus’s collection of crack pipes? * She actually has worked as a musician before, making songs for “The Princess Diaries” and “Legally Blonde” the previous year. She still does music with her band “Krystal Peterson (Her real last name) and the Queen City Band.” Jerk (v/o): Anyway, after a pointless musical number, the bears pick up Fred and take a little drive down memory lane. (They flip through Beary’s scrapbook about the band and come across a newspaper clipping with the headline 'Bears Win Talent Show: Defeat “Arm Musician"') Fred Bedderhead: Winning that talent show was our big break. Beary: What’s an “Arm Musician?” Fred: Oh, that’s Benny Boggswaggle. (Cut to the talent show where Benny Boggswaggle makes noises with his arm pit to Piotr Illich Tchaikovsky’s “1812 Overture.” Cut back to the tour bus.) Henry: But he was a bad loser. (Cut to after the bears win talent show, Benny throws a tambourine at them and picks up a folding chair). Judge: Whoa, now, wait a minute! Fred (v/o): (From the present) He nearly hit us with a chair. (Cut to Jerk in the inside a room with a model of the Capitol Building behind him.) Jerk: Wow, Joe Biden was an angry young man. Jerk (v/o): So, they find their old fiddle player (Zeb Zoober) in a country-western bar, tended by Queen Latifah for no reason whatsoever. Henry: Now come on, Zeb! What do you say, you give up the honey and come with us? Jerk: Oh, yeah, apparently honey is highly addictive to bears in this movie. They use it as a G-rated euphemism for drugs and alcohol. (corrects himself) I mean, hookers and crack. Jerk (v/o): But wait a minute, Beary was eating honey at the dinner table scene earlier. Does that make this kid a drunk? (Cut to a scene later in the movie) Beary: (Arms in the air, yells) Woohoo! Jerk: (Shakes his head and looks down) These child stars start so early. Jerk (v/o): So, to settle a debt, the bear (Zeb) and his fiddle must beat (In an echoey announcer voice) BRIAN SETZER AND HIS ASTONISHING LEOPARD PRINT GUITAR (normal voice) in a battle for musical supremacy! Brian Setzer: (Singing) I hereby challenge you to a duel, With my guitar and your fiddle, you fuzzy fool! Jerk: I’m confused, which one of them represents the devil? Jerk (v/o): So, the bear sucks at first, but then plays better. Setzer, meanwhile, plays flawlessly all the way through. Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the winner is. (Realizes) THE BEAR? Jerk: It was rigged! Damn it! I had ten grand on Setzer winning and the whole movie ending right there! Now how can I afford to blow up that orphanage?!?! (Looks off camera) Those orphans knew what they did! (Cut to Reed Thimple’s Walken office, he’s lying in his chair not moving) Jerk (v/o): Meanwhile, back at the “walk-in”…(Sees scene) OH, GOD, HE’S DEAD! (Reed leans up) Oh, sorry. Christopher Walken passes the time by imitating Disneyland management. (Reed takes a small model of the Country Bear Hall and he pushes a button on a device that causes a weight to fall on the his desk and crushes the model.) Reed: (Sarcastically) Oh, no! Country Bear Hall has been crushed! Jerk (v/o) Meanwhile, the bears track down their…one string thong thing (Tennessee O’Neal)? Jerk: This bear’s character trait is being whiny and neurotic. I guess he’s what you might call a… (Tries to think of something) (Cut to a clip from “Inglorious Basterds”) Lt. Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt): Bear Jew! Jerk: Right. Thanks, Brad! (Cut to Tennessee crying in front of a couple to music from “Inglorious Basterds.” Cut to the Bears at a diner, about to eat breakfast) Tennessee: I’m sorry, boys, I just can’t play the Thang. Not without Trixie there. Waitress: (While handing their menus) Oh, my gosh, you’re the Country Bears! Jerk: And you’re Carrie Underwood! (Wrong buzzer sound is heard again) Taylor Swift! (Buzzer sound) Hilary Duff! (Buzzer sound) Haylie Duff! (Buzzer sound) Baby Spice! (Buzzer sound. Cut to black with the caption “Three Hours Later” and cut back to Jerk, bored from guessing) Zac Hanson. (Buzzer sound, Jerk rolls his eyes) Rue McClanahan. (Buzzer sound) Krystal Marie Harris in a blonde wig… (Buzzer sound) I don’t know. I should know this. (A caption pops up of her name) Jennifer Paige? Okay, now you’re just making up pop stars. * Jennifer Paige has actually been doing music since 1998, four years before the film. Still makes music to this day. Jerk (v/o): So they launch into another pointless musical number that accomplishes nothing because… that soundtrack album won’t pad itself! (Cut to Jerk as one of the restaurant patrons in a clearly different restaurant) Jerk/patron: (to the Jennifer Paige waitress and/or the other waitresses in the musical number.) ‘Scuse me, could I get some...? ‘Scuse me, I’m ready to order… (Cut to the musical number in the film) ‘Scuse me, I’m trying to get some... ‘Scuse me, miss, can I please get some service? (At one point in the number, all the booth tables are moved around) Stop moving my table, please. I’m trying to…I don’t know why you’re dancing. I’m just trying to get some pancakes. Can someone please help me? (Cut to a clip from “Pulp Fiction,” The song “Kick it Into Gear” still plays in the background) Ringo/Pumpkin: (Stands on his seat and aims his gun at the patrons and yells) EVERYONE, BE COOL, THIS IS A ROBBERY! Yolanda/Honey Bunny: (Stands up, draws her gun, and yells) ANY OF YOU PRICKS MOVE AND I”LL EXECUTE EVERY MOTHERFUCKING LAST ONE OF YOU! Jerk: (to Ringo and Yolanda) Thank you! (To a waitress) Now, I would like… (A gunshot is heard in the background and then Jerk keels over. After that, Dick Dale and The Del Tones’ “Misirlou” is heard. Cut back to the movie) Jerk (v/o): But then the cops (Officers Hamm and Cheets from earlier) show up for the contractually obligated car-chase scene. Roadie: (While driving the tour bus) How about a little thing I call: “Hiding in the Car Wash?” Henry: How’s that work? Roadie: We hide in the car wash. Henry: Oh! (Cut back to Jerk at the candy store with lollipops) Jerk: Candy!!!!! Hey, kids, who wants to write a movie? (Subtly) Get in my van! (As the tour bus goes in the car wash and Cheets and Hamm following in their cop car, Rose Royce’s “Car Wash” plays) Jerk (v/o): (Sarcastically) Nice choice in music, by the way, very creative. Cheets: Oh, yeah, we got them, baby! Oh, we got them! Hamm: Oh, sweet! (The soap gets on the cop car’s windshield, they can’t see through it.) Where are they? Cheets: Where’d they go? Hamm: No, I can’t see them. I can’t see anything! Can you see them? Cheets: No, I can’t! Put the window down! Jerk as Hamm (v/o): Yeah, put the window down. You know, I truly wish we didn’t have to put the window down every time windows got wet. If only there were some device attached to car windshields that allowed you to wipe it clean of residue without going outside, some sort of windshield wiper as it were. Oh, well, maybe in Tomorrowland, right? (Hamm in the movie sticks his head out of the car and the car wash brushes suck him outside the car, he yells) OH, MY GOD! Cheets: Oh, geez! (Cut to Jerk in a red cartoon car in Toontown) Jerk: (Yells) WHEN WILL THE AUTO MAKERS LEARN?! Jerk (v/o): So, the Bears stop at a hotel the Bear Jew’s (Tenessee) ex-lover, Trixie, just happens to be performing. Trixie: (After reuniting with Tennessee, then to the audience) This next song was written by an old friend of mine, he wrote it a long time ago. (After cutting to Tennessee’s reaction, we cut back to her playing the piano wasn’t at earlier and sings) Did I lose your love, a long time ago? (Cut to Jerk) Jerk: Did she just swallow Bonnie Raitt? That’s not the same voice! (Tennessee goes onstage and joins in the song) Tennessee: (Sings) Don’t look at me, I got much stranger now! Jerk: And he’s Don Henley, of course! (Cut to earlier in the movie when Tennessee was counseling a couple. A caption below says: “Speaking Voice”) Tennessee: I think you two are so dang lucky to have each other. (Cut back to the duet, the caption now reads: “Singing voice.” he sings) Have I changed that much? Baby, tell me how. (Caption now reads: “Yes, indeed you have”) Jerk: Wow, who does Haley Joel Osment’s singing voice? Frank Zappa? (Cut to earlier in the film, when Henry spots Beary singing and playing, only now it’s dubbed by Frank Zappa’s “My guitar wants to kill your mama.”) * Bonnie Raitt and Don Henley are indeed the singing voices for Tennessee and Trixie. Beary’s singing voice is actually voice-actress E.G. Daily. Jerk (v/o): So, they have one more Bear left to get, the bear that looks like a buffalo (Ted Bedderhead, also played by Diedrich Bader), and to get him, they have to, you guessed it, crash a posh country club! Jerk as one of the Country Club patrons: (In a snooty voice while holding a monocle to his eye) My word! Why are the servants dressed so appallingly? (Fred and Zeb talk to an old woman who is enjoying their joke) Zeb: You’ve gotta kill that before you eat it! (They all laugh, Ted interrupts them.) Ted voiced by Jerk: Hey, quit bugging Barbara Bush! Jerk: It turns out that the Buffalo Bear has really become…a wedding singer! (Dun-dun-DUHH! Sound) Zeb: (To Ted) Well, at least you’re not doing children’s birthday parties! (He and the other bears laugh at Ted. But they then realize...) All: Really? (Cut to Jerk in front of a buffalo statue.) Jerk: Hey, guy’s gotta eat children somehow. Jerk (v/o): But Buffalo Bear (Ted) refuses to come out tonight, so Beary gets disillusioned and does the only sensible thing: run all the way home... Norbert Barrington (Beary’s Dad): (Cries) Oh, Beary! Beary! My Beary boy! (Hugs Beary) Jerk as Beary: They made me do things no bear should do! Jerk (v/o): ...as the bears discover an inspiring essay Beary wrote them. Fred: (Reading the essay. The other bears have sad reactions to hearing it) 'My heroes are “The Country Bears.” Whenever I’m sad, I play one of their songs and I’d forget why I was even sad at all. And if you met my brother, you’d know why I was always sad.' (Cut to Jerk) Jerk as Fred: Oh, Christ, it turns into a Goth poem (looks at the bottom of the paper) and a suicide note. (turns to someone off camera) Should we still be inspired by this or…? Jerk: (v/o) So the Buffalo has a change of heart and visits Beary at his house. Jerk: Wow, just imagine…a huge rock star, someone you used to idolize, right there in your bedroom only after he personally screwed you over, destroyed your dreams, and made you stop idolizing him. Oh, wait, I don’t need to imagine that, (Yells) BECAUSE THEY RIPPED IT OFF “ALMOST FAMOUS!” (Cut back to the scene of Ted in Beary’s room) Ted dubbed over from audio of Russell Hammond: So, this is where the enemy sleeps. Ted: (Normal voice) And that thing you wrote in your journal about us, being great, it’s true. Jerk: Yeah, they really were great. Hey, remember that collaboration they did with “Alvin and the Chipmunks”? Man, that was… (Cut to a clip from the movie where Fred belches, Jerk realizes) Oh. (Cut back to the film) Beary: (Excited) You’re gonna do the show?!?! Ted: Not without you! (Cut to Jerk, he dramatically turns to the camera) Jerk: But then…! (Roadie rushes to Beary and Ted, holding Mr. Chicken. We see that the tour bus is no longer in front of the Barrington’s house) Rhoadie: It was stolen! It was the Thimple guy! (Cut to the tour bus speeding through town in fast-motion, as we hear Reed maniacally laughing. Cut back to the Barrington’s house) Dex: (To Beary) Your stuff was on that bus, right? Beary: Yeah. Dex: All your stuff? (We then cut to Dex going through a laundry basket, finds the tracking device for the tracking collar) We can track them with this! (Cut to Jerk, who is speechless for a few seconds) Jerk: (To Dex) So, you let your parents waste taxpayer money on a couple of Keystone cop wannabes, (Yells) WHEN YOU COULD HAVE TRACKED HIM DOWN THE WHOLE TIME?!?! Jerk (v/o): Your parents were worried sick, you prick! What, do you just have a hard-on for baked goods?!?! What would you do for a Klondike bar; let him drown? (Cut the animated “Jungle Book” film, Baloo steps into the river and floats on top) Oh, yeah, Disney Bears can float. But the point remains! (Cut the car wash scene with Cheets and Hamm getting tortured by the things in the car wash) Well, least you got these idiots away from drug busts and hostage negotiations. Come to think of it, you just might have saved their lives. Now they can propagate the species, good job! (Cut back to the movie, the Barrington’s and Ted get ready to find the Country Bears) Jerk (v/o): So the Buffalo Bear can’t fit in their (The Bearrington’s) mini-van because he’s too damn big. I guess no one in this universe, where bears talk, thought to make bear-friendly vehicles. (Cut back to Jerk back in the tiny cartoon car.) Jerk: Again, WHEN WILL THE AUTOMAKERS LEARN?!?! Norbert: (After finding doing several ways to get Ted in the mini-van, shouts) I HAVE A BETTER IDEA! (We then cut to the mini-van leaving the driveway with Ted sitting in the boat hooked to the back of the mini-van as Lonely Island’s “I’m On a Boat!” plays.) Jerk (v/o): And they’re off to rescue Christopher Walken from those creepy bear suits. (Reed has the bears in a cage in an abandoned warehouse.) Reed: (Yells at the bears) YOU RUINED MY LIFE! Henry: What are you talking about? Reed: (He puts his right hand under his left armpit and yells) THIS! (He then makes armpit noises to the 1812 overture, while intercut with Benny Boswaggle doing the same at the talent show, they’re the same person! Cut back to Jerk in the room with the Capitol Building model) Jerk as an announcer: Coming this Oscar season, Christopher Walken is “Joe Biden!” Rated R. Jerk (v/o): And now comes, no joke, perhaps the greatest line of dialogue ever! Reed: I’ve been plotting my revenge, waiting for the day I destroy the place that brought me misery. Well, that day...is TONIGHT! (Cut to Jerk on the Dumbo ride.) Jerk: Maybe I’m easily amused, but I love that line. It’s ingenious in its simplicity! Just play it again. Reed: That day...is TONIGHT! Jerk: Again! Reed: That day...is TONIGHT! Jerk: The greatest line in cinema history is in “The Country Bears”. Who knew? I hope the film has the sense to end there. I mean, how can a film this bad possibly top… (Cut back to the movie.) Jerk (v/o): Oh, fudge. So, meanwhile, uh… this happens. (The Barrington’s mini-van falls into a hole, causing the boat and Ted to fly and crash into the warehouse. But while the boat is in mid-air, the frame pauses.) Jerk as the announcer from “Dukes of Hazzard” (v/o): Now them Duke bears were in one “Honey pot” full of trouble. Ain’t no way they getting a sequel out of this turd! Jerk (v/o): So, the boat crashes and frees the bears, and they all go to Country Bear Hall to do their big benefit concert. But, there’s nobody there. You can even hear the crickets. But, no, there’s actually hundreds of people there, they were all just out back. (Cut to Jerk on Main Street of Disneyland) Jerk: Thanks, hundreds of people for not making any noise whatsoever out in the country, where hundreds of people standing around would drown out the crickets. In fact, I’m gonna try that right now! (Turns behind him to the other people on Main Street, he shouts.) HEY, HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE, SHUT UP! (After that, only the sound of crickets are heard. Jerk turns back to the camera, shocked by this and wonders. Cut to him at a waterfall.) HEY, WATERFALL, SHUT UP! (The cricket noises are heard again, Jerk is surprised again. Cut to Jerk in an open field.) HEY, MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, SHUT UP! (Cricket noises are heard again, Jerk turns to the camera and shrugs his arms.) (Cut back to the movie) Henry: (To the audience in the hall) The count is in, and we saved Country Bear Hall! (Waves his hat in the air, the audience cheers. Cut to Jerk on the Tea Cups ride) Jerk: (Hands in the air.) Yay! (Screen cuts to black with a caption that reads: “Eight Months Later…” Then cut to the entrance for “The Many Adventures of Winnie The Pooh” Ride with the “Wah-wah” sound.) Ah, you got beaten by the power of cute. (Footage of the movie is shown once more as Jerk speaks) Jerk (v/o): So, that’s “The Country Bears,” 95% pure shit with occasional punctuation of semi-competence. There was a lot of talent wasted on this trainwreck, and every now and then, you see glimpses of a funny movie trying to crawl out of it. But it simply can’t. It’s trapped under those horrible bear suits. In fact, I don’t even believe this is a movie. This is a really fucked up dream someone had after watching “The Blues Brothers,” “The Muppet Movie,” and “Grizzly Man” in the same night. (Cut to Jerk sitting in a living room or lobby for one of the Disney hotels, talking to clips of Tommy Webber from “Galaxy Quest,” Lawrence from “Office Space,” and Christopher Walken from the Fatboy Slim “Weapon of choice” music video) Jerk: There were all these bears, man, and they were playing country music, but it was normal, everyone was like, “Yeah, that’s what happens.” And you were there (Tommy Webber), and you (Lawrence), and you two got eaten by a car wash, and you (Walken) were there to settle a 30-year-old grudge over armpit farts, and somehow, they gave me the idea to dissolve my father’s multi-million dollar business and become an internet reviewer. Lawrence: No, no, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you get your ass kicked saying something like that. Jerk: Sorry. (snaps his fingers and teleports to the California “Screamin” coaster) Until next time, I’m Some Jerk with a Camera! (The credits play the "Country Bears song" from "The Critic." After the credits, we cut to a clip from "The Critic" after the bears in the show finish their song with one of the Bears burp) Duke Philips: (laughs and says to Jay Sherman and Alice Thompkins) Big, dumb, belching bear! (He then slams a button on his and the bears sing again, Jay and Alice look bewildered.) The End Category:Some Jerk With a Camera Transcripts Category:Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides